number two.

I figured I should have a post properly introducing myself. I'm Abby. I'm 28, I'm a Physical Therapist who specializes in pelvic health. This means a lot of things. One thing it means is that my work has a lot to do with pregnancy, before, during, after. I take care of pregnant women, and postpartum women. More about this later. 

I'm married. My husband's name is Anselm. He loves children. We currently have 4 nieces and 3 nephews.

Here's our story.

We found out we were pregnant at the end of January 2017. My grandfather had just passed away. We had already planned our honeymoon to Europe, the plan was to wait to get pregnant until after the honeymoon. Whoops. It was exciting. I was ready. We wanted to enjoy our honeymoon, enjoy the pregnancy between us. This new life we had made. So we waited to tell our family until we got back.

On our trip, we decided we'd incorporate my grandfather's name, Charles, into our baby's name. We spent a lot of time on the Charles Bridge in Prague. We attended the weekly audience with Pope Francis in Rome. So, our first baby, our angel baby, his name is Charles Francis. 

On May 10th, I went in for an OB check. I thought I was 17 weeks. My doctor could not find a heartbeat with the over the belly device, then the transvaginal ultrasound, then I went to another floor to have it confirmed with the fancy ultrasound. I work at the hospital where this all happened. This was the first time I saw Charlie, but he was already gone. 

I had to have a D&E a week later. 

At this point, I was pretty far along. Lots of people knew. We hadn't done a social media post, or a gender reveal party. Thank goodness. We only know that Charles is a boy from the testing they did after the procedure. 

Charlie stopped growing, likely, because he had Down Syndrome. Which is so bittersweet. It's like okay, that's a reason. That's why this happened. But lots of babies are born with Down Syndrome. Why didn't mine get to be born? In physician's speeches to patients who have miscarriages there's usually a statistic thrown in that a vast majority of miscarriages are from chromosomal abnormalities. Well, Down Syndrome is a chromosomal abnormality. That's the answer. 

The other answer is that God wanted my baby to be with Him. And maybe Anselm and I needed someone in Heaven praying and interceding just for us. Maybe for this new little one. 

number one.


Why I want to Blog     

So, I think I understand that most blogs have a central purpose, a mission if you will. I’m not sure that this is true for me. This blog is going to be my thoughts. These thoughts will be scattered, and unorganized at times. It’s going to be like my journal. It will probably evolve. The distinct areas of my life are going to blend into these thoughts: physical therapy, family, essential oils. But none of these will be the central theme.

Mostly, this blog is about my miscarriage. And what’s going on in the corners of my mind, now that I am pregnant again.

I’m going to feel weird posting this later than I wrote it. 6 weeks today. Haven’t really told anyone. I lie. I told my dentist this morning because she wanted to take an xray of my teeth.

 We waited a long time to tell our family and friends about our first pregnancy. The standard 12 weeks and then some. Hindsight is 20/20. If I would have known I was going to have a miscarriage, I would have shared it sooner, and more joyously. Because I love that baby. Are you supposed to wait 12 weeks due to the fear of miscarriage? Well, I heard a heartbeat at 12 weeks on the dot. My baby stopped growing at 14 weeks 6 days according to the ultrasound when I couldn't hear his heartbeat anymore. I don't think the pain of losing him would have been any less if more people had known about him. 

In the book after miscarriage by Karen Edmisten, I read after my D&C, she shares her story of asking for prayers for the new baby growing inside her. She ended up losing that baby. It wasn't her first. The scary part is, I could lose this one too. However, the response she got from the people she told and asked to pray for her and her baby was that it was powerful to have a growing baby as an intention. As an intercessor. So I guess that’s what this blog is about too. That all of you may be thinking and praying for me and my babies.