11.9.17
Post number twenty. I still can't express how meaningful writing this blog has been for me. The feedback I've received about putting this out there has made such an impact on me. It is truly everything I wanted, women supporting each other, hopefully breaking the stigma of miscarriage. If you've had a miscarriage, you've created life, you had a baby in your womb, no matter how short a time. That means something so wonderful and great. Then, God called that baby home. It's ok to not understand. But, once you're ready, celebrate that life!
I've had some cousins gift me some really special things. Anselm's cousin gave me a bracelet with a feather on it. The card that came with the bracelet says that some people believe feathers are messengers from the gods of the sky. I like that, signs from above. A way to send a message to my Charlie.
One of my cousins sent me a necklace with a Momma elephant, and two baby elephants. It looks like there is room to add more, but I'll have to check with her to ask her where she got it from.
Another person told me a friend of hers got her a bracelet with a pea pod and three little peas in it for her to remember all her children.
I really like this idea. Even if it's only something you understand. You're acknowledging that baby was a life and a soul and person, worthy of love.
Of course the more direct remembrances I've already discussed, such as the painting of St. Charles that we'll hang in our home next to our respective saints.
Another great way to remember unborn babies is to submit their names to any one or multiple of various Catholic Shrines. Our friends submitted Charlie's name to be listed in the prayer service at the Shrine of Our Lady of Guadalupe.
I'd love to know other ways people remember their babies. Leave a comment, or connect with me through social media.
I was supposed to have a baby today.
Not necessarily, I know. He might have come early, he might have come late. If Charlie had grown to term, I'd have a baby now.
I took the day off. Wednesday, kind of nice. Mid-week break.
I'm going to write this post throughout the day, try to stick with me, there may be more nonsensical ramblings than usual.
My mom has recently moved to Nevada. She can't be with me today. I wish she could, she was such a comfort when I had my D&C. So, rather than spend the day alone in my house, I've asked my in-loves to spend the day with me. My 3 sisters, my other mom, 2 nephews and 2 nieces.
Charlie's remains are buried at Holy Cross Cemetery. We're going to visit today. I also want to go to Mass. The parish that Anselm and his family went to mostly when they were young, Old Saint Mary's, has a daily Mass at noon.
As I'm typing now, I feel okay. I teared up just a minute ago talking about my mom, but the floodgates have not yet opened this morning. To be continued...
10:50pm. I should go to sleep. But, here I am, wanting to finish this post. Reflect on today. The weather was perfect. This Indian summer we are having is fantastic in my opinion. Holy Cross was lovely. I've mentioned before that it is one of a only a few cemeteries the Archdiocese has a special plot for children and the unborn. There wasn't a label or marker for Charlie's grave yet. There were some crosses, servings as markers, for the some of the burials in 2016. It might be nice to buy a stone. The other option, to personalize, is to buy a plaque with Charlie's name on it.
Mass was short and sweet, as daily Mass is. Today is also the Feast of St. Luke, the evangelist. I want to learn more about him.
Today was hard, but good. I am filled with happiness that perhaps I started a tradition today, to remember our Charlie. He won't ever be forgotten. I certainly knew that already; but it was really comforting to know that he won't be forgotten by other people as well. We can celebrate this day with our future children, and they will know they have a big brother in Heaven.
My sister-in-law Flannery draws and paints excellent commissions of Saints. We keep telling her she should do this through an Etsy shop, and I'm sure she will someday, but right now, she mostly does it for her family. We have a St. Anselm and a St. Abigail, that she did for us earlier this year. Today, she and my other sister-in-law Ariel, gave me a commission of St. Charles Borromeo. (I'll post pictures when I figure out how to do that well)
I'm going to do my next post on St. Charles, and I'll explain why he's special. Of course you'll have figured out he is partly our Charlie's namesake, shared with my grandfather. For now, though, I'm going to sleep.
Rest well, friends.
10/18/17
Sorry for being MIA, friends.
Here's a couple things to catch ya'll up.
I had my appointment with Maternal Fetal Medicine to do the genetic testing. I opted to do the cell free DNA testing, but then I wanted to make sure it was covered by insurance first. So I haven't actually had the blood draw yet. For those of you who don't know what that means, basically the lab tests my blood to see if the baby's DNA is floating around in there. This way they are doing a genetic test right on the baby's cells to find out is it is positive for any of the trisomies, like Down Syndrome. I still also had the ultrasound to measure the neck, which had good results. My doctor said any measurement of the neck >3.0mm has risk. Here's what The American Congress of Obstetrics and Gynecology says about genetic testing in pregnancy.
I was less nervous for this appointment. In fact, once I was there, it was pretty magical. There was a heartbeat. 162 beats/min.
Peanut wasn't in the right position at first, but he or she was bouncing all around, feet and hands flying. Of course I cried. I got some good pictures though.
I scheduled the anatomy ultrasound, I'll be 20 weeks then. Halfway. Gosh, I hope we make it there, Peanut.
9/29/17
I cried the whole way to work.
Today was my first OB appointment. Peanut still has a heartbeat. I saw it and heard it. 162 beats/minute.
I suppose anyone could be nervous. I don't really think I was nervous last time, until it happened. I also thought I was past any possibility of losing my baby. Now, there will always be a part of me that has this fear.
I had 5 patients to see when I got to work. So I had to pull myself together. I pulled out my oils from my purse and applied Valor to my neck, wrists and thumbed the remains through my hair. Natural diffuser y'all. It helped calm me down.
I invited my sister-in-law Flannery and her 15 month old Miranda to come with me. Anselm had to stay at work. I knew I definitely couldn't be alone again if it was bad news. Oh yes, I was alone when I lost Charlie. Long story, scheduling mix up in my old OB's office, but we rearranged my appointment to after work, instead of at lunch, and Anselm couldn't come back.
My NP came in, and she brought the ultrasound with her. She said let's get this part done with and then we'll get to the talking. She's done this before. The waves of anxiety must have been beating off of me. My blood pressure wasn't elevated though, which now that I'm replaying this in my mind seems strange.
We heard Peanut's heartbeat. Flannery cried, bless her. My sigh of relief might have been heard in the next room.
My NP said I could come weekly if I wanted, to hear the heart tones. I just might.
9/26/17
10 weeks.
On my Glow Nurture app, Peanut finally resembles a baby. He or she is no longer a conglomerate of cells with a heartbeat. I saw the heartbeat in my 7 week ultrasound. My next appointment is on Friday. I'm going to request to have another ultrasound, or whatever way to hear the heartbeat.
So far, in the 24 weeks and 6 days I have carried a live baby, I haven't had really any nausea. No vomiting. With the exception of the one time in the Prague airport at 4am. When I start to get the twinge of nausea, I am able to eat, and it will go away. This pregnancy is similar to Charlie's pregnancy in this regard. Again, in some ways, I wish I felt different than last time. Would that mean a different outcome for this pregnancy? Of course there's no way to know. These are things I think about.
In all honesty, I am not prepared for Friday's appointment. If Peanut has no heartbeat. Charlie had Down Syndrome, it would be rare for that to happen again. I haven't miscarried naturally. I know people who have. I am not saying that is better than having a missed miscarriage.
You have a scheduled appointment. It's supposed to be exciting and happy. What will I do if it happens again?
This makes me cry everytime I read it, but it also brings me such peace. Father Andrew sent me this after we lost Charlie.
My Lord, the baby is dead!
Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?
“Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why.
You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”
I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.
-- Mother M. Angelica
