I cried the whole way to work. 

Today was my first OB appointment. Peanut still has a heartbeat. I saw it and heard it. 162 beats/minute.

I suppose anyone could be nervous. I don't really think I was nervous last time, until it happened. I also thought I was past any possibility of losing my baby. Now, there will always be a part of me that has this fear. 

I had 5 patients to see when I got to work. So I had to pull myself together. I pulled out my oils from my purse and applied Valor to my neck, wrists and thumbed the remains through my hair. Natural diffuser y'all. It helped calm me down. 

I invited my sister-in-law Flannery and her 15 month old Miranda to come with me. Anselm had to stay at work. I knew I definitely couldn't be alone again if it was bad news. Oh yes, I was alone when I lost Charlie. Long story, scheduling mix up in my old OB's office, but we rearranged my appointment to after work, instead of at lunch, and Anselm couldn't come back.

My NP came in, and she brought the ultrasound with her. She said let's get this part done with and then we'll get to the talking. She's done this before. The waves of anxiety must have been beating off of me. My blood pressure wasn't elevated though, which now that I'm replaying this in my mind seems strange. 

We heard Peanut's heartbeat. Flannery cried, bless her. My sigh of relief might have been heard in the next room. 

My NP said I could come weekly if I wanted, to hear the heart tones. I just might. 


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