10 weeks. 

On my Glow Nurture app, Peanut finally resembles a baby. He or she is no longer a conglomerate of cells with a heartbeat. I saw the heartbeat in my 7 week ultrasound. My next appointment is on Friday. I'm going to request to have another ultrasound, or whatever way to hear the heartbeat. 

So far, in the 24 weeks and 6 days I have carried a live baby, I haven't had really any nausea. No vomiting. With the exception of the one time in the Prague airport at 4am. When I start to get the twinge of nausea, I am able to eat, and it will go away. This pregnancy is similar to Charlie's pregnancy in this regard. Again, in some ways, I wish I felt different than last time. Would that mean a different outcome for this pregnancy? Of course there's no way to know. These are things I think about. 

In all honesty, I am not prepared for Friday's appointment. If Peanut has no heartbeat. Charlie had Down Syndrome, it would be rare for that to happen again. I haven't miscarried naturally. I know people who have. I am not saying that is better than having a missed miscarriage. 

You have a scheduled appointment. It's supposed to be exciting and happy. What will I do if it happens again?

This makes me cry everytime I read it, but it also brings me such peace. Father Andrew sent me this after we lost Charlie. 

My Lord, the baby is dead!

 Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?

 “Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why.

 You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”

 I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.                                                                            

   --  Mother M. Angelica


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