10/18/17
Sorry for being MIA, friends.
Here's a couple things to catch ya'll up.
I had my appointment with Maternal Fetal Medicine to do the genetic testing. I opted to do the cell free DNA testing, but then I wanted to make sure it was covered by insurance first. So I haven't actually had the blood draw yet. For those of you who don't know what that means, basically the lab tests my blood to see if the baby's DNA is floating around in there. This way they are doing a genetic test right on the baby's cells to find out is it is positive for any of the trisomies, like Down Syndrome. I still also had the ultrasound to measure the neck, which had good results. My doctor said any measurement of the neck >3.0mm has risk. Here's what The American Congress of Obstetrics and Gynecology says about genetic testing in pregnancy.
I was less nervous for this appointment. In fact, once I was there, it was pretty magical. There was a heartbeat. 162 beats/min.
Peanut wasn't in the right position at first, but he or she was bouncing all around, feet and hands flying. Of course I cried. I got some good pictures though.
I scheduled the anatomy ultrasound, I'll be 20 weeks then. Halfway. Gosh, I hope we make it there, Peanut.
10/8/17
Well, I did it. One week ago, I introduced this online journal to the public. This, my personal mental health project.
Thank you for all your comments and kind words. Those of you who have reached out, I am touched to know your stories. The response so far has been everything I wanted from this blog. For others to know they weren't alone, for me to know I am not alone.
I have been comforted these last months by my faith and the people in my life who have faith. Faith, though is a daily decision and awareness to give this life up to something else. Something I can't control. To God. Especially if you don't understand His plan.
Thank you again for walking this journey with me.
9/29/17
I cried the whole way to work.
Today was my first OB appointment. Peanut still has a heartbeat. I saw it and heard it. 162 beats/minute.
I suppose anyone could be nervous. I don't really think I was nervous last time, until it happened. I also thought I was past any possibility of losing my baby. Now, there will always be a part of me that has this fear.
I had 5 patients to see when I got to work. So I had to pull myself together. I pulled out my oils from my purse and applied Valor to my neck, wrists and thumbed the remains through my hair. Natural diffuser y'all. It helped calm me down.
I invited my sister-in-law Flannery and her 15 month old Miranda to come with me. Anselm had to stay at work. I knew I definitely couldn't be alone again if it was bad news. Oh yes, I was alone when I lost Charlie. Long story, scheduling mix up in my old OB's office, but we rearranged my appointment to after work, instead of at lunch, and Anselm couldn't come back.
My NP came in, and she brought the ultrasound with her. She said let's get this part done with and then we'll get to the talking. She's done this before. The waves of anxiety must have been beating off of me. My blood pressure wasn't elevated though, which now that I'm replaying this in my mind seems strange.
We heard Peanut's heartbeat. Flannery cried, bless her. My sigh of relief might have been heard in the next room.
My NP said I could come weekly if I wanted, to hear the heart tones. I just might.
9/26/17
10 weeks.
On my Glow Nurture app, Peanut finally resembles a baby. He or she is no longer a conglomerate of cells with a heartbeat. I saw the heartbeat in my 7 week ultrasound. My next appointment is on Friday. I'm going to request to have another ultrasound, or whatever way to hear the heartbeat.
So far, in the 24 weeks and 6 days I have carried a live baby, I haven't had really any nausea. No vomiting. With the exception of the one time in the Prague airport at 4am. When I start to get the twinge of nausea, I am able to eat, and it will go away. This pregnancy is similar to Charlie's pregnancy in this regard. Again, in some ways, I wish I felt different than last time. Would that mean a different outcome for this pregnancy? Of course there's no way to know. These are things I think about.
In all honesty, I am not prepared for Friday's appointment. If Peanut has no heartbeat. Charlie had Down Syndrome, it would be rare for that to happen again. I haven't miscarried naturally. I know people who have. I am not saying that is better than having a missed miscarriage.
You have a scheduled appointment. It's supposed to be exciting and happy. What will I do if it happens again?
This makes me cry everytime I read it, but it also brings me such peace. Father Andrew sent me this after we lost Charlie.
My Lord, the baby is dead!
Why, my Lord—dare I ask why? It will not hear the whisper of the wind or see the beauty of its parents’ face—it will not see the beauty of Your creation or the flame of a sunrise. Why, my Lord?
“Why, My child—do you ask ‘why’? Well, I will tell you why.
You see, the child lives. Instead of the wind he hears the sound of angels singing before My throne. Instead of the beauty that passes he sees everlasting Beauty—he sees My face. He was created and lived a short time so the image of his parents imprinted on his face may stand before Me as their personal intercessor. He knows secrets of heaven unknown to men on earth. He laughs with a special joy that only the innocent possess. My ways are not the ways of man. I create for My Kingdom and each creature fills a place in that Kingdom that could not be filled by another. He was created for My joy and his parents’ merits. He has never seen pain or sin. He has never felt hunger or pain. I breathed a soul into a seed, made it grow and called it forth.”
I am humbled before you, my Lord, for questioning Your wisdom, goodness, and love. I speak as a fool—forgive me. I acknowledge Your sovereign rights over life and death. I thank You for the life that began for so short a time to enjoy so long an Eternity.
-- Mother M. Angelica
9.26.17
A situation that happens often, when people find out I am pregnant, and don't know me well, is the question "Is this your first baby?"
It's an honest question. I can't be offended by it. My knee jerk reaction, is to say "yes."
But then I punish myself in my mind for this knee jerk reaction. I say it because it's easier. Because these people don't know me. They don't want to know that I have an angel baby. Or maybe they do, but the former is what I think. I do sometimes tell people, when I feel comfortable. For example, I have told a few of my patients about this pregnancy. I feel comfortable telling some of them my history. I know very intimate things about them. I suppose because of this, I feel safe sharing my intimate things.
I wish I could wear a pin, a universal sign, so people would know. However, then conversations wouldn't happen. I do wear a necklace, with a cross, and small circular symbol that has a "C" on it. My sister-in-law gave it for me for my birthday.
I lost Charlie just before Mother's Day. A similar question, that I have a similar knee jerk reaction to, is, "Do you have any children?" I consider myself a mother. Anselm and I celebrated Mother's Day this year. Again though, I sometimes answer this with "not yet." I do though. Now I truly have children. Plural. I have one in heaven, and one growing inside me.
